Post 1. BY OMW
THINGS I WISH I COULD'VE TOLD GRACE
- I know it’s rush hour. I’m sorry if I made you claustrophobic by squeezing into the last subway car we were both in. I know you must have been returning from Vogue’s offices, or something. I’m sorry that I started calling your name, thinking you would appreciate being bombarded by a fan.
- Iknow you are not a very expressive person, and I really hoped you did, in fact, remember me.
- I wish I had told you that I looked for you at thew Marc Jacob’s show. That I stopped by his store that night, the one across the street from where we met 7 months ago. That it was closed, and I was still welcomed in. And they told me you were there, at the show, and I would have given anything to see you.
- When I first saw you today, I indirectly took a few photos of you, so that I could prove to myself that you really were there. I just remember seeing a whiff of your fiery red hair amounts all the cluttered black of the subway, and I know you saw me. I was making a racket!We saw each other. It didn’t seem like you recognized me. Meeting you was the proudest thing I have ever done. It was the most impressive, the most surreal. Both times.
- I had tried to contact you so many times since September. There were no emails on your website, there were no emails in my inbox, there was no reply to my letter, or message, or anything else. Part of me didn’t expect there to be. But I have really tried to get to see you again. I have so much to tell you. I guess I can relate to you more than anyone else in the entire world. Everyone loves you, Grace. I wish I could have told you about dragging my family to see documentaries and read books of yours. Did you know that Mirabella went to the same high school as I? I am happy she left Vogue. She was not tough enough. But she was an amazing person. She wasn’t iconic enough.
- I have forgotten, all of these months, that you are overwhelmed by your admirers. Girls at my school recognized you at the movie theatre after seeing us together. They showed me their selfie with you. I can’t believe you went to see “A Dog’s Life”, as I believe dog movies are highly over-rated and predictable, and there should be more movies about cats besides “The Aristocats”.
- I really hope you didn’t get off at the next stop. I hope it wasn’t to change cars. Part of me wishes I could have followed you, and demanded that you get my email, and demanded that I help you with something or at least can get brunch with you.
- I am scared I was given this chance by the universe, and I blew it. At the busiest time of the day, in the busiest subway station, with the train doors having to close many times because too many people were trying to fit, I saw you. And the doors opened. And miraculously, there was space for just one more person. And it was for me. I wish I would have pulled out a business card. I wish I would have showed you the portrait I painted of you.
- Please don’t see me as a fan. I am not a fan. I have my own life, and I am making use of it at 15. I am trying so hard to make something of my name and energy. But I am not a fan, because I do not worship you, in fact, I will not become you. I, too, am original. I, too, am talented. I cannot get my start in the fashion industry as a model, so maybe my luck lies in calling your name on the subway, like some beggar who just wants to be known. But I am driven and you know what else? I have talent. I have taste. My fashion designs are not childish. They are professional. I am putting in work and effort into marking my place here in our shared world. I am so much more than what you may think. I want to be taken seriously. I am smart. I am witty, I am funny, I am observational, and I have everything it takes to succeed. At my age, you were a schoolgirl in a fantasy, like most 15-year-old humans.
- I’m sorry I started crying on the subway after you left. I have very very very thick skin. I am accepting of my fragile and sensitive particles that make me who I am, but I am tough as a rock. I may look like a little girl, but I can assure you I am old and wise on the inside.
- You are an outside on the inside. I am an insider on the outside. Isn’t that oddly brilliant in a way?
- I wish you would have said goodbye to me. Or smiled at me. I wish you would have told me you read my letter, or that you will think of me when you see the Biennial or you will mark my existence in your head. And that now I am nobody. But maybe you can pull that antique thread of a thought out of your mind in 10 years. Because one day you will know who I am. Neither of us will depart from the fashion scene in that time. Maybe I can cat-sit for you once day. But I know reality and that may be stretching it. I wish we had more time together on the subway. If we did, I would have made a fool of myself. I would have asked right now if I could be your cat-sitter, or maybe I would bring myself to say that my cousin who also grew up in Wales was actually my 2nd cousin. And you don't know him, but he came to America a few weeks ago and he is very nice.
- Thank you. You do not know what this means to me. Thank you for being modest, warm, only semi-intimidating, polite, and present. I will not expect to see you anytime soon. But if we meet again, as I know we will, I will just tell you to find this upload of mine. Until then, everything will stay as it is. Who knows where we will end up, or what is to be. Our roads will unfold and we will scramble to stay balanced. We, like everyone else on that subway, will repeat each day and sleep each night and dream each dream. That’s all we can do in this world.
XOX
O